Welcome to the independent city state of Bristol

It’s May 2019 and in an unprecedented but unsurprising move by a city that shouts so loudly about its proudly free spirit, Bristol has declared independence from the rest of the UK.

Days of citywide sit-ins, naked protests, mud fights and frenetic mural painting have forced mayor Marvin Rees to bow to the will of the people and decide to go it alone following the results of a citywide referendum.

Bristol is the first of a wave of angry cities including Brighton, Manchester and London likely to splinter away from Michael Gove’s central government. Scotland has already gone it alone following a conclusive vote for independence.

If London leaves the UK, the nation’s capital will shift to Blackpool, where the tower has already been reshaped to make it look less like Eiffel’s vulgar European version.

Back in Bristol, following our declaration of independence, President Rees and his deputy Chris Chalkley have been swift in negotiating fresh terms of accession with the European Union.

The outlawing of cars to reduce emissions, declaration of a free cloud-based economy, and robust fiscal policies (thanks to the Bristol Pound) impressed the Commission enough to fast track the city state’s entry.

Image courtesy of Bristol Green Capital

Sheelanagig have composed Bristol’s rousing National Anthem, while a Cheo-designed flag flutters above City State Hall.

The waterslide has been reinstalled permanently on Park Street which commuters now whizz down on lilos instead of cars, which have been banned from the city centre. A fleet of hot air balloons float overhead, now a recognised mode of public transport thanks to an innovative tethering system.

At Ashton Gate stadium, Team Bristol – an amalgamation of the two former Bristol football clubs playing in red and white quarters – are training hard under new manager Jurgen Klopp with the hope of qualifying for the next Euros, inspired by Iceland’s astounding triumph in 2016.

Fresh EU funding has meant free access to both Bristol’s universities which is drawing students from across the continent. They have now colonised every city centre tower block, including the Colston Tower, former Radisson Blu hotel and the Cheese Lane shot tower, where they live in tightly packed Japanese-style pods.

Building on Bristol’s former reputation as the music capital of the UK, a new policy to subsidise festival tickets for all citizens has seen Brisfest begin to rival Glastonbury.

It’s one of the new city state’s most popular policies, alongside a universal basic income of 500 Bristol Pounds a month, and compulsory early finishes on Fridays which have driven up productivity.

The port at Avonmouth is revived as EU countries keen to trade with Bristol look to bypass the hostile territory of the formerly-United Kingdom.

Discussions have also begun to bring Lulsgate within Bristol’s constitutional territory to further trade and free movement especially after the Severn Bridge was torn down by fervently pro-leave Welsh objectors.

Enormous tidal turbines in the Severn Estuary will soon provide green energy to the whole of France and Spain, which together with cloud computing form the foundation of Bristol’s strong economy, with the Bristol Pound competing well against the dollar on global stock exchanges.

The city state of Bristol is a model that other independently-minded cities across the world are watching with envy. The UK voting leave in 2016’s referendum was not such a bad thing after all.

Read more: Bristol votes remain but UK chooses to leave