‘It’s ok to not be ok’

I tell you what, this past week has been a total prick. How can you go from such highs to such lows in literally the space of a day? How funny are you life. How absolutely side-splittingingly fucking hilarious you are.

To put this into context, amongst other things I am gutted to have had to cancel my show at this month’s Boomtown Fair, opening the Poco Loco stage at Chapter 10 this year, due to unforeseen circumstances. I’ve been looking forward to this show all year and I feel like opening that stage, my favourite of all, has been something I’ve worked towards for years. This, along with all my core Bristol girls being on holiday at the same time, has just been pretty shit, to tell you the truth.

But, this is life. And life can be messy and be hard. I felt really quite defeated last week, but it gave me some time to reflect on what’s really important: the people around me. The people physically around who I can turn to for a hug or a laugh or a smile.

I love social media, don’t get me wrong. I like to talk, to share, to connect, to discover, but for all it’s brilliance, it is a smokescreen. It’s the place we can go to live our best lives and show our best sides but it doesn’t get into the nitty gritty of a person. No-one uploads videos of themselves being an asshole.

Which is what this header picture represents. Reflection. To say, it’s ok to not be ok.

It’s ok to think, fuck this. I hate everyone and everything can fuck off.

It’s ok to not really want to hang out with anyone except your cat.

It’s ok to drink a bottle of red wine in the bath.

It’s ok to cry.

It’s ok to sleep.

It’s ok to deal with life being crap in whatever way suits you.

And it’s also ok to allow a little bit of light to shimmer at the end of the tunnel, because there are little glimmers of goodness around the bad.

My light this weekend came from cooking dinner for my family who are hilariously bizarre and really quite proud of what I’m doing. We don’t all live close to each other so I don’t get to see them as much as I’d like but when I do, it nourishes me completely.

It’s come from seeing old friends, those who knew me back in primary school and college, who I can be my most annoying around and they let me, because they know me.

It’s come from making friends and having fun with new ones. I got to support my buddy Addison Groove at Tun Up at Attic Bar which was such a big tick box in my brain: to play on a night with the most supportive of guys. I feel like sometimes we forget how lucky we are to be such a musical family in Bristol. As if that wasn’t enough, I was invited down to guest on Kaizen Karnack’s Saturday show for FlexFM which was so much fun and a real privilege. For anyone that fancies a listen my guest mix comes in around 43 minutes in after a little interview.

It came from re-evaluating and re-organising my life. Putting some boundaries in place so that when I do have dips in energy and output I can allow myself to do that. Everyone warned me that going freelance meant I’d be constantly having to turn down jobs and to not worry about that, and I laughed and said I would. But I didn’t. And then I had too many projects on the go. So yesterday I ordered my commitments, my projects, my months and weeks and I feel infinitely better for it.

This blip isn’t quite over yet. We all have our highs and our lows but I’m very thankful to have tangible lights in the dark. My mum describes life as a constant wave; at times nice, calm and balanced and at others hard and rough and leaving you a bit battered. When those snidey waves come, that’s when it’s good to have people who will help you stay afloat. I’m very lucky to have such people, so thank you to everyone who I saw this weekend – without knowing it you’ve helped put me back to together.