Columnists / Secret Barista
The Secret Barista: ‘We don’t do it like that in Melbourne’
He wanders nonchalantly through the door, wearing his surf shorts, flip flops and cool dude cap.
It’s early spring. It’s been raining non stop for days and I am wearing multiple layers.
But this dude has not a care in the world for weather.
“G’day!” Hmmm. Odds on that he is from Melbourne.
“I am over from Melbourne, on a desperate hunt for good coffee in Bristol.”
is needed now More than ever
Ahh, good. We talk through the menu together, and I mean really talk it through. In painful detail.
In the end, he settles on a flat white. Obviously. I am informed several times that they were created in Melbourne.
I start brewing while my new mate settles down to watch. “Oh, is that how you are tamping here? Interesting. We don’t do it like that in Melbourne.”
“Oh really,” I return politely. “How interesting.”
“That looks like a pretty short shot compared to how we brew in Melbourne. What’s your recipe?”
I share my recipe through gritted teeth. Eyebrows are raised. “Wow, yeah we run our shots very differently in Melbourne.” At this point I discover a great burgeoning hatred for Melbourne.
He watches me steaming milk, clearly unimpressed and opens his mouth, gearing up to comment. I put the coffee down in front of him. “Let me guess, you steam differently in Melbourne.”
Completely unaware of the resentful anger simmering in my eyes, he replies in the affirmative and noisily takes a sip of his coffee.
“That’s not bad, not bad at all. But not as good as the coffee we make in Melbourne.”
I stare him dead in the eye, debating how it would go down if I threw the coffee in his lap. Chances are that’s not how they do it in Melbourne.
The Secret Barista works in a Bristol city centre cafe
Main photo: Martin Booth
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