‘Why I was disappointed by Star Wars’

A film came out recently. Actually quite a few did. There’s a lot of money in them apparently. There are so many films now that I find it hard to keep track. I’d prefer it if they simplified things by presenting every film as a sequel in a single long-running franchise called “Film”. Example title: “Film 12903: This Time It’s About Ice Hockey”. It would improve the Oscars no end. That one was Mighty Ducks 2 by the way.

I’m not much of a cinema goer these days. It seems wasteful to spend £10 to see a film with strangers when, for £6.99 a month, I can watch 20 straight hours of Scandinavia’s finest detective series without having to get out of bed. I like my murder mysteries like I like my pastries: Danish but with clear subtitles. Thanks to The Bridge I can now say “massive internal bleeding” in Swedish which is always a good thing to know. You don’t get that at the cinema. And you can’t pause the cinema to go downstairs for cereal.

Despite my lack of interest in the cinema, even I couldn’t help but notice the arrival of the latest Star Wars film. I first became aware of it at work when the Royal Mail released a set of Star Wars stamps. The Darth Vader stamp was especially popular among our customers. It was a brave move by The Royal Mail; taking a sinister megalomaniac serving an evil empire and replacing her with a picture of Darth Vader. I initially had no intention of seeing the film but gradually I began to hear rumblings that it might be quite good. Actually less of a rumbling than a prolonged explosion that turned my Facebook feed into one huge interactive advert. Eventually I caved in and decided to go and see it one night after work. I’ve never seen any of the Star Wars films and I thought that it might be fun to watch it from the point of view of a complete newcomer.

My housemates had already seen the film but they agreed to accompany me for a second viewing on the understanding that, as a Star Wars amateur, I would spend the entire screening bombarding them with questions such as “what’s a Yoda?” and “is this based on that Family Guy episode?” I booked my ticket online thinking that this would allow me to show up a bit later and avoid the trailers. I was particularly keen to avoid the trailer for Daddy’s Home, which I’d seen more times over the Christmas period than I’d seen my own parents. There was an 80p booking fee but this seemed like a small price to pay to spare myself another helping of Ferrell/Wahlberg festive “madness”.

The screening began at 7.45 and I arrived in Cabot Circus at about 8.15 with my housemates. They hadn’t booked their tickets in advance so they queued to buy them while I went and collected mine. I rejoined them a few minutes later and was informed that the screening was completely sold out. There was another one starting soon so they decided to buy tickets for that one while I ventured into the earlier screening alone. I handed my ticket to the usher who looked at the time on it and scowled at me as if to say “think you’re too good for the Daddy’s Home trailer do you?”

I entered the cinema just as the opening credits began to roll. “What brilliant timing”, I thought to myself. “I’m as skillful as a Yoda”. Then, with a sudden sinking feeling, I realised that I was in a pitch-black cinema which contained only one empty seat, and I had no idea where it was. I stumbled around in the dark blocking everyone’s view. I sat down in a gap only to discover there was no seat there. It was a space for a wheelchair. People sniggered. I tried to sit in an empty seat only to discover there was a child there. People looked horrified. Eventually I succumbed to the embarrassment and left. As I exited the cinema the usher smirked at me, daring me to ask for help.

I returned home dejectedly, thinking that at least I’d have a funny story to share when I got back. I arrived home to find the house empty and remembered that my housemates were out watching Star Wars. They’d seen it twice with no effort at all, while I’d paid an extra 80p to make sure that I couldn’t see it. With a sigh I opened a beer and switched on the television. They were showing the trailer for Daddy’s Home. It actually doesn’t look too bad. I bet I’d be able to get a seat at least.

Read more by Martin Pilgrim