A helter-skelter for Park Street

The latest irreverent column from Julian Owen. Warning: do not take too seriously.

A Bristol councillor has called for a modified return of the Park Street slide.

“Last year’s slide had the makings of a good idea,” said Richard Eddy, “but was ultimately mealy-mouthed, lacking in ambition, and said nothing about our city. I propose something more in keeping with our proud history: the slide should begin at the top of the Wills Memorial Tower, reaching street level by means of a giant, external helter-skelter.

“This will not only honour that fine tobacco family, but also echo the days when vast travelling fairs would set up on the Downs, and horny-handed carnies would give the refined women of Clifton the ride of a lifetime.”

The original slide was conceived by Bristol artist Luke Jerram, whose latest plan – wrapping the Clifton Suspension Bridge in gold – was dismissed by Eddy as “unimaginative”. Many believe the Conservative councillor for Bishopsworth was stung at being labelled a killjoy, and formulated his plan in response.

The strategy appears to be working, with the idea winning plaudits from across the arts community. 

Twiggy Leaf, founder of Interface This! creative solutions consultancy, said: “I only really knew Mr Eddy for repeatedly getting in a lather about homosexuality, hating street art and cycle lanes, and keeping a golliwog as an office mascot. That’s what makes this helter-skelter thing so surprising – up until now he’s only ever acted like a pull-string talking doll from Conservative central office, circa 1987.”

Eddy refuted criticism that the scheme is overly complex. “It could not be easier,” he said. “When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide, where I stop and I turn and I go for a ride, till I get to the bottom and I see you again.”

He also scotched concerns over cost, insisting that charging £30 a go would see the slide pay for itself, and dismissed fears that many Bristolians would be unable to afford to join in.

“It’s like all this nonsense over people being referred to food banks, simply because they cannot afford to eat. It is not money they lack, but initiative and gumption. People have short memories.

“Think of the starving bride exhibitions of the 1930s: women earned several hundred pounds as crowds flocked to see them sitting in cages, going without food for up to 40 days. There was a certain quiet dignity about it all.

“Today, we’re cursed by the nanny-state view that everyone should have enough to eat, regardless of value to the economy, and another part of our heritage has been lost to the PC brigade. Let’s bring it back. I accept that we live in ‘inclusive’ times, so it needn’t just be brides. Let word go out that our starvees shall be of any creed, colour, or marriage status.

“Many deserving poor will surely jump at the chance to afford a go on the slide,” he added, before turning on a journalist who questioned the morality of the proposal.

“For the love of Tebbit, I’m only talking about gawping at skeletal rib cages, not poking people with sticks! We’re not barbarians!” he said angrily. “Although, of course, if starvees want to charge extra for a quick prod or two, their financial arrangements are their own.”