Are you set to do your bit for Green Capital?

This occasional column is written for your pleasure by Eugene Byrne

In 2015 Bristol is European Green Capital, and meant to be a shining beacon of best practice in sustainably sustainable sustainableness to the rest of the world.

But are we ready for this great responsibility? It’s up to all of us – and that includes YOU – to ensure that Green Capital 2015 is a fragrant and organic triumph, and not a car-crash spewing toxic waste and pieces of dead whale.

Bristol needs a massive grassroots effort to be holier than every other burg on the planet. To assess whether or not you are ready to do your bit, we have produced this short and painless quiz:

You have an important appointment in Clifton during office hours on a weekday. How would you get there?

a) On foot, or bicycle or skateboard or public transport.

b) I’d love to walk, of course, but I really don’t have the time, so I’d take the smaller car and set off early to spend the necessary hour prowling for a parking space.

c) In my Sherman tank.

Complete the following sentence: “Mayor Ferguson’s Residents Parking Zones are …”

a) Very necessary and should have been brought in years ago.

b) An excellent idea. Though of course they’re not appropriate for our street. And I do hope they don’t harm any of the darling independent shops on the Gloucester Road.

c) The end every free-born Englishman’s God-given right to park on the public highway outside his own house. And how the hell am I supposed to rent all those flats I own in Clifton to rich students if they can’t park within a mile?

Complete the following sentence: “The Bristol Metrobus scheme is …”

a) Probably a waste of time and money.

b) A complete mystery to me. There have been so many tram and bus thingy schemes down the years, ha-ha!

c) A damn fine idea if it gets some other drivers out of their cars to make way for me.

How do your children normally get to school?

a) On their bikes. Of course they have to go down Paedo Alley, through Heroin Towers and along Switchblade Street, but they’ve been to conflict resolution workshops, so they’re OK. Usually.

b) I try to walk them as often as possible, but my work in marketing is terribly important, so I often end up driving them.

c) They ought to walk, but the little darlings melt my heart every morning with the pleading little eyes in their little pudgy faces so I run them there in the Touareg. It’s no trouble as it’s only a 100-yard drive.

How do you normally source your vegetables?

a) From the allotment, the garden and a weekly box-scheme which regularly brings us delicious and exotic new roots we’ve never eaten before. Here – try some of my flan made of organic Lithuanian oskrapogis grown in Bedminster! Actually, have it all. I don’t feel so good.

b) We’re very strict about getting the best possible veg from Waitrose. They fly in these darling mangetouts from Kenya at only £37 for half a kilo.

c) Vegetables? Oh! Yeah, right! They’re that mushy stuff between the burger and the bun that I always throw away, aren’t they?

What is the Kyoto Protocol?

a) A UN-brokered attempt to get countries to reduce their emissions of greenhouse gases.

b) Something frightfully important that those horrid Americans won’t agree to. Or is it that thing with the Japanese and the whales?

c) A Frederick Forsyth thriller from the 1970s. Last book I read all the way through. Michael Caine was great in the film of it.

How seriously do you take your recycling?

a) Nothing is wasted. I’ve even started a scheme collecting the toenail clippings of everyone in the neighbourhood for composting.

b) We’re passionate about it! We even drove 10 miles and back to the recycling centre the other week with some plastic water bottles.

c) Waste of time. Landfill will turn into oil in a few million years, so I’m doing my bit for future generations, aren’t I?

Which of the following most closely matches your idea of a good time?

a) Getting together with some friends over a weekend to dig a new cess pit and then trying it out.

b) Going to the theatre to watch a play about the crimes of big business, the American government and British imperialism.

c) Cheap flight to Florida for Disneyland and a genuine American branch of McDonalds.

How do you feel about a Severn Barrage?

a) Harnessing tidal energy is a great idea, but not at the cost of all the ecosystems it will destroy. It’s engineering and capitalist machismo gone mad.

b) Very excited! Anything’s better than those horrid nuclear power stations!

c) Big f***off dam!? Sweet! ‘Specially if there’s a road on top; might make it easier for me to take the 4×4 off-roading in the Brecon Beacons.

Which of the following do you consider the most effective aphrodisiac?

a) Prunes

b) Money

c) A Viagra pill and an England win.

How did you score?

Mostly a – You are hardcore. You tread lightly upon the earth, but are also a joyless puritan. (No, Jocasta; sitting in a yurt and chanting with a Hopi ear candle sticking out of your head is not most people’s idea of a really good time.) Be careful not to take it too far; if you don’t eat the occasional bacon sandwich the pigs will become extinct. You wouldn’t want that now, would you?

Mostly b – For you, fashion is as important as saving the planet, and you don’t always think it through properly. Your T-shirts might be pure unbleached cotton, but they were made in a sweatshop, and you would drink expensive imported bottled water from the last well in the Sahara desert if someone told you the proceeds were helping to pay for the education of camels. You’re a hypocritical lifestyle environmentalist, just like the rest of us.

Mostly c – Ha! You’re so funny when you deliberately put things in the wrong recycling boxes or stumble drunkenly into restaurants and order the most endangered species on the menu! If Bristol was serious about being a Green Capital it would compel you to accommodate half a dozen hippies in your house to re-educate you.