‘We repair broken items within three to five working months’

Hello tenants!

Thanks for emailing me about your concerns regarding your new student home in Bristol. I have been on annual leave for the entirety of June, July, August and half of September and have also just generally been ignoring my responsibilities so sorry for the delayed response. I will start off by plainly and simply stating in muddled and cryptic language that as your property manager, I am probably not going to help you this year because it makes my job a real slog and student renters are young and impressionable and do not read the small print.

I am sorry to hear you were surprised to arrive and find your bedroom was covered in dust, the plaster was still wet and there was no furniture despite the fact you have paid rent since July. We thought it might be fun to recreate the set of Trainspotting for you – and you might say we have provided the property with an alt-Hollywood-style ambiance. You must understand that you have rented a house, not a bedroom, and we are therefore under no obligation to reimburse the extortionate rent you have been paying for your uninhabitable room.

Perfect!

Now, regarding the additional bedroom on the second floor, we thought it would be cost-effective to halve the room as students do not tend to need double beds any more. That way, both the original tenant and the new extra tenant both have Harry Potter-style cupboard bedrooms of equal size and comfort. Since the new propped-up wall is made of rice paper, the two tenants have the option to rip it down and share a bed as if they were on the bottom deck of the Titanic. There will of course be an additional fee for this alteration of £250,000 pp. The landlord is the owner of the property, so I am sure you can understand that it is his prerogative to make huge, impulsive and illogical adjustments to the property with little-to-no notice at all. That’s life!

Concerning your query about the Playmobil hob and cooker set in the kitchen, as students are incapable of cooking and washing up, we decided it was a suitable and affordable alternative. You are still able to rest plates for sandwiches, takeaways and so on on top of the toy surface, but clearly it does not produce heat or gas and therefore cannot cook palatable food. The same goes for ‘The Thor’, a vintage 1908 model of a washing machine we have installed in the hallway, which in fact dates back to the exact year washing machines were invented. It is therefore a timeless piece of machinery that we are not willing to tamper with and/or fix for fear of affecting its value.

Regarding your final point, I am not sure why you think the bedbugs in the two ground-floor bedrooms are our responsibility. The bed is yours now until the end of your tenancy and it is your responsibility to clean your sheets and ensure there are no unwanted visitors, human or otherwise! We suggest you do some online research on how to care for them appropriately so that they are still there for next year’s tenants. However, if you insist on forwarding this email thread to your parents then we might be more inclined to revisit the matter in a more serious light, as we have significantly and unjustifiably more respect for them and their money.

As I have stated previously, the agency is quick to repair broken items such as front doors, ceiling holes and promises within three to five working months, so just sit tight until you graduate.

Going forward, myself and the rest of the team are always here to help unless you get in touch again, then we might have an issue with your request. Please remember not to contact us via phone or email, though.

Kind regards,

Head of customer avoidance and moral substandards

Nikki Peach is a University of Bristol student currently paying for an uninhabitable bedroom in a student property. All hyperbole is inspired by true events and genuine interactions.