‘These shared experiences are common to all women yet are rarely mentioned’

I’d almost forgotten what it was like. A year of barely going beyond my immediate neighbourhood and staying home each night lulled me into a false sense of security. But the realities of life have been brought sharply into focus this week.

I thought twice about writing anything. There’s nothing new I can add to the millions of messages shared by women about the truth of everyday street harassment, the potential danger faced just walking home at night (or even in the day), the ‘safety measures’ that have been second nature to us for as long as we can remember, the recollections of incidents we all have.

But that’s the point. These shared experiences are common to all of us, yet they are rarely talked about. Incidents that get filed away or even forgotten because they are so commonplace.

This is just life.

The 20-minute detour to take the well-lit route.

The unnaturally long strides taken to get away as fast as possible without looking like you’re rushing.

The quickening of your heartbeat as you clutch keys in one hand and phone in the other and keep staring straight ahead. Aware but pretending not to be.

A furtive glance to take note of any details you might later need.

The distant light of a takeaway that could mean safety.

Layers of clothes wrapped tight around you, doing all you can not to attract attention.

The sigh of relief when you get safely inside the door.

The message to say you got home safe that doesn’t mention any of these details.

This is a situation all too common to all of us, but one we don’t tend to talk about – at least until now. Perhaps because of the level of acceptance in society that this is just the way it is, something we’ve learned to deal with from such a young age that we don’t even think to challenge it.

And then there’s the blame; why was she wearing a short skirt? How much did she have to drink? She should have known not to walk home at night.

So we don’t say anything, this is just how it is.

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A previous boyfriend used to tell me I was stupid for walking home alone at night. No matter that I couldn’t afford a taxi each time I needed to get back after dark, or that I should have the right to walk without fear for my safety. The message was clear; I was putting myself in danger. The fault was mine.

This attitude didn’t make me stop walking home, but it certainly stopped me ever mentioning the incidents that left me shaken, the ‘non-incidents’ that got silently filed away and forgotten about.

I refuse to live in fear and restrict my life so instead, like all women, I carry on; each time weighing up the risks and taking the precautions that are second nature.

This week, I have witnessed a shift in conversation. One that makes me think perhaps it doesn’t have to be this way and gives me hope that maybe future generations won’t be sharing these same stories.

Unchallenged sexism and misogyny has led to this toxic society whereby the onus is on women to protect themselves rather than on men to just not perpetuate sexist, derogatory or threatening behaviour. This can change.

We probably can’t completely eliminate those rare but utterly devastating incidents where a woman is attacked or killed – and my heart goes out to every single person and family to have experienced such horrendous loss.

But the society in which every woman has a thousand stories to tell, where the message is not to walk home if you want to stay safe; that can change.

It will mean challenging behaviours that have become normalised and the structures that enable them at every level, but I’m slowly starting to see that happen.

97 per cent of women aged 18 to 24 said they had been sexually harassed, according to a survey from UN Women UK, reported in the Guardian this week. I hope that by the time my two-year-old goddaughter is my age, that statistic will be confined to the history books and viewed with the shock it deserves rather than a sad nod of acknowledgement.

A future where we can all walk the streets free from fear is one that will be better for everyone. The days of quiet acknowledgement that this is just how it is – a shit, everyday fact of life – are gone. The time for change is long overdue but maybe, just maybe, there are finally enough people willing to listen, to challenge and not to accept anymore.

Main photo courtesy of Reclaim the Night

Read more: Reclaim These Streets vigil to be held in Bristol