‘Darrell wants a signed Billy Bodin contract for Christmas’

The less said about Saturday’s unacceptable humbling, otherwise known as Gillingham away, the better. So, since it’s Christmas, your correspondent will give you two festive treats. Firstly, Gillingham away will not be mentioned again. Secondly, here’s a whimsical look at what various figures at the Rovers might want to find under the tree come December 25.

Adam Smith, Sam Slocombe and Rollin Menayese:

An extended run in the first team. Our pair of new goalkeepers have played 11 games each. But only one of them can have this gift, so if DC ends his rotation of glovemen, one of them is going to feel like they’ve got the proverbial lump of coal from the boss. Menayese just deserves to start, especially given the less-than-stellar form of our first choice centre-half pairing.

Marc Bola and Dom Telford:

A train ticket back home to London and Stoke respectively. The two loanees surely didn’t come to Bristol to warm the bench or, worse still, not even make the squad.

Daniel Leadbitter:

A jar of Marmite, to symbolise his status amongst the fanbase. He splits us roughly 50/50, between those who think he’s an exciting, marauding attacking full-back who needs licence to roam, and those who just want to see him concentrate on defending. My view: you can’t expect a player to ignore his instincts.

Ellis Harrison:

A highlights DVD of his season so far. Enough said.

Tom Nichols:

Probably not a highlights DVD of his season to date. That’s not a knock as he’s been played out of position in a good few games, but he’d probably be the first to admit it’s not gone great so far.

Ollie Clarke:

A highlights DVD of last season. He’s been fine, don’t get me wrong, and form is, of course, temporary. But he might be a bit frustrated that his performance has dipped a bit from last year’s awesome highs.

Joe Partington:

One-on-one training sessions with Claude Makelele, to further nurture his abilities as a right-back turned midfield anchor man.

Billy Bodin:

A new contract. And a pen. Please.

Tom Lockyer:

Five or six more Wales caps. It can’t be fun, travelling around Europe and never playing (save for a half against future England nemeses, Panama). The skipper is a proud Welshman, and even being in the squad is an achievement, but if I were him, I’d be frustrated. Oh, and he’d like an experienced defensive partner. For some reason, Lockyer-Sweeney hasn’t worked this year. And Sweeney’s on loan.

Liam Sercombe:

No idea what he wants, but whatever it is, he should get it. What a start he’s made to his career in blue and white.

Stuart Sinclair:

A shave. Only kidding, Stu.

Tom Broadbent:

A scrapbook of all the articles written about his move into the pro ranks, all essentially saying the same thing. Oh, and a bit more first-team action.

Rory Gaffney:

An investigation to ensure that he’s not Rory Delap in disguise, since he’s started doing these bullet-long throw-ins. Also, a bit of recognition for his all-round game, bringing others into attacks, and so on, wouldn’t go amiss. Rovers are often seen as the Billy Bodin show, due to the Welshman’s stupendous antics going forward. When it’s not Bodin’s name on everyone’s lips, everyone’s (rightly) talking about Ellis Harrison and his surge in form. But Gaffney’s input is often in the shade, in comparison.

Darrell Clarke:

A 25-year-old Mark McChrystal and Lee Mansell, any left-footed wide midfielder, a signed Billy Bodin contract, and a reminder that we had ramshackle facilities last season and they haven’t magically turned our form sour over the summer. In addition, he’d like to be here for a good few more successful years yet. Well, I’d like that, and those two things are the same. Finally, a really nice late 40th birthday gift from the players who let him down at the weekend (sorry to renege on my promise not to mention Gillingham).

Wael Al Qadi and Steve Hamer:

A giant sign that says “WE DON’T RESPOND TO RUMOURS”, along with some promising stadium news. But then this is Rovers, and while Santa does his best, he isn’t a miracle worker.

Christmas lists aside, Doncaster Rovers visit the Gloucester Road on Saturday, followed by Portsmouth on New Year’s day, acting as the festive bread between the turkey slices that are Walsall and Oldham away, between Christmas and New Year. Special kudos to the wonderful folk at EFL HQ for sending us to Lancashire on December 30.

Let’s keep the predictions short: two home wins, two away defeats. Anything better than that is less likely than a white Christmas at Wael’s house.